the latest from crispin the world traveler
¡°Can you help me?¡±, asked one of my domestic helpers. She had cornered me in my bedroom after I had drank rather more than I should have done one particular evening.
¡°I have never been kissed by a man before, I want to try....¡±.
Even taking my current state of inebriation into account, this seemed like a strange request, but then again, putting it in context with my China experience, ¡°suprise¡± is no longer an impulse that affects me in any great manner.My two domestic helpers had been fighting over my attention for a long while. Xia zi ¨C the woman inquestion, and Michael ¨C a man who once give me filmwork as an extra, only never to receive another phone call in his short-lasting career, were not in the strictest terms Domestic Helpers, but rather a coupleof disenfranchised Cantonese people I had allowed to live in my spacious apartment ¨C rent free.Usually, I like my own space, but my domestic helpers, along the 50 RMB women down the alley, have provided some solace for me during a difficult time in my life since the split up from my girlfriend in rather dramatic fashion........ She had been pressurizing me into marriage for quite a while until eventually,matters came to hand in the form of a pregnancy. She give me two very clear and simple options :1.Marry her 2.We split up, have the abortion, and pay her 13000RMB
Given these unambiguous choices, I thought long and hard about the consequences of each. Finally, I made a decision ¨C I went on holiday. Unfortunately, life has taught me a harsh lesson. You cannot run away from responsibility. I returned to Zhuhai with an abortion on my hands, and a rather hefty sum off money to payout. Luckily, since my arrival in China, I have become somewhat proficient at bargaining. I managed to lower my severance fee to a more manageable 4000 RMB, plus the costs of the abortion. It finally put an end to a 14 month relationship that started on a bus during my second week in China. She was sitting in the seat infront of mine, as I was studying my English textbooksfor the following day's lesson. Before we had spoken,I had been distracted by the nap of her neck ¨C her wonderful complexion. She turned around to speak to me, to inquire about my stay in China. We exchangednumbers, and before long took part in a courtship thatwas as traditional as any I have ever experienced inmy 31 years.I arrived in China a bit worse for wear. The ShashlikI had eaten at my leaving party in Kyrgyzstan haddisagreed quite adversely with my internal workings. Iwas sitting at the airport, making frequent visits tothe toilet. On one such visit, I received a phone callfrom an erstwhile girlfriend, whom I had to stopseeing once she started extorting money from me. It isthe last time to date that I have spoken to her. Isuppose, even among the extortionists of the world, itis possible to harbor strong emotion to some extent.Her final words were ¡°.......I love you¡±. I feltsomething touch me deep down in side, which I couldn'tquite place, but then I realised that it was much morelikely due to the subsequent bowel movement. My goodKyrgyz friend Kuat works in airport security. Ispotted him, and joined him for a brandy at thedeparture gate. I offered to give him all my smallleft-over change, which he asked me to hand overdiscretely. He returned the favour by letting me jumpthe queue for the airplane ¨C a gesture I was thankfulfor, but a gesture which served no purpose other thanfor me to question the security procedures in place.So anyway, I finally arrived in Zhuhai, via Urumxi inthe North, and Chengdu in Central China. Within acouple of days, I started working at my first school.The noteworthy people that I should mention are anEnglish ex-actor called David ¨C on TV a lot in the70's, an Australian man called Macca, who has left apast which is probably more painful than most peoples'nightmares and has since turned to the bottle, and aCzech women called Jitka ¨C a mamouth of a women withtree-trunks for legs, married to a small diminutiveCanadian man.David had a vendetta towards China from the beginning.When I one day suggested that China did not have apoliceman on every corner, he screamed at me ¡°Are youcrazy!? If I was to stand up right now and sayTiannemen Square was a massacre, you think I wouldstill be in China tomorrow?? You are so na0S7ve!¡±.In the end, I was proved right, when he did just thatand more, in exactly the same venue, in front of allthe school management and approximately 80 Chinese¡°spies¡±. He got off with a warning.Macca's history is sordid and obscure, and it is abook of worms probably not worth even touching thecover. Suffice to say, when he drinks past his limit,he has the tendancy to either cry, or swear profuselyat anyone who has the misfortune of crossing his path.This has led to numerous druggings, beatings, andbeing dragged through the bushes. It probablyculminated at a nationally broadcast concert when heclimbed up on stage and said ¡°F*ck China¡± on liveTV. He mangaged to miraculously avoid a beating thatnight.Now on to Jitka. Where to begin. Well, she startedtaking a liking to me at some point. Given that thiswoman is a rather grotesque object of undesire, Ifound the attention at first unwanted, and then alittle sinister. She started to give me presents ¨C atfirst quite innocent ones, such as chocolates andflowers. Then the presents started to become a littlemore bizarre. Condoms came first, then for Christmas,she gave me a book entitled ¡°The Ultimate Guide toAnal Sex for Women¡±. The gifts didn't cease. One day,she sent me an email saying that there was animportant document hidden inside my desk that shewanted me to sign ASAP. Tentatively, I approached mydesk, released the document from the envelope, andread the title. I had to rub my eyes a couple of timesjust to make sure that I wasn't hallucinating. I feltsure that it said ¡°My last will and testament¡±, butsurely that was out of the question. I opened my eyesagain to examine the document, and it did indeed statethat in the case of her death, all her property andbelongings would be bequeathed to me. These sort ofproblems are not the kind I like to confront head on.Luckily, I had a reprieve. MASS SACKINGS!My principal, a woman of few principles if the truthbe told, had decided to show these over-privilegedwhiteys exactly who was in control. One personresigned, one person did a ¡°midnight run¡±, and inChinese logic, when you become understaffed, thelogical option is to sack the rest of your staff.After seeing four of my colleagues discarded withoutseverance pay, I decided to make a principled stance -I resigned. I finished cancelling all my paperwork andwent on holiday looking for a new start.........Thailand. I can't say that I acted with total moralintegrity during my time here, as that would bestretching the truth slightly. I met a nice Japanesegirl on a trip to the island to the South of Bangkok.During my time on the island, I received an email frommy former school saying something along the lines of -¡°This is a letter of pending libelaction.....yadiyadiyada.....all your money that youare due will be held in escrow (I had to look up thisparticular legal term) until a full retraction ismade....yadiyadiyada........This sort of marred myholiday somewhat, and as a result, that of my Japanesefriend, but it all ended up well. I spent my lastnight in the luxury suite of the 5 star Sofitel hotel¨C a luxury that has not been exceeded in my life todate.I returned to China, tail between my legs. I had beenadvised that the best policy is to curtail one'semotions and kiss ass in these circumstances. However,kissing ass was not really necessary when I eventuallyreturned to the school, after a few brandies for dutchcourage, to collect whatever money was due to me, aseverybody concerned hid from me behind glass windowsand closed doors.By this point, I had found a new job in a start-upschool. It was under construction when I arrived, andI spent the first two or three months killing time andmosquitos. There were four of us, and our manager wasa well-known conman, although the Chinese are not soefficient when it comes to checking references. Theconman didn't last long. Neither did the other twoteachers. After a while, I affirmed my position as thehead teacher ¨C this at a time when my drinking wasspiraling into another dimension, and as I found a newdrug of choice ¨C well a group of drugs if the truthbe told.In praise of Benzos ¨C the good, the bad, the ugly.The good ¨C I alone managed to put up with thebullshit ¨C no mean feat!. The bad ¨C My memory and myintellectual capacity ain't what it used to be. Theugly ¨C numerous lost phones and wallets, and a lostweekend in Hong Kong ¨C maybe Graeme can fill in thedetails, cos I don't know what the fuck went on exceptfor a few smashed glasses, a lost wallet, and a ferrygoing to a destination other than the one I intended.I love my doctors. I have a doctor in every port ¨Ceach one with his own unique brand of happy feel-goodpills.So, I climbed the career ladder, and before I know it,I land the position of Director of Studies. For thoseunaware of teaching, this is a high managementposition in the school. So far, I have sacked oneperson and received two death threats. Not bad foronly 5 months on the job!So, all is well, and all is not well. China is abalancing act. I slide too much in one direction, andI lose everything; if I follow the line, who knowswhat the future holds. One thing I can say for sure ¨Cthere are no certainties in this existence.
Speak soon,Crispin
¡°I have never been kissed by a man before, I want to try....¡±.
Even taking my current state of inebriation into account, this seemed like a strange request, but then again, putting it in context with my China experience, ¡°suprise¡± is no longer an impulse that affects me in any great manner.My two domestic helpers had been fighting over my attention for a long while. Xia zi ¨C the woman inquestion, and Michael ¨C a man who once give me filmwork as an extra, only never to receive another phone call in his short-lasting career, were not in the strictest terms Domestic Helpers, but rather a coupleof disenfranchised Cantonese people I had allowed to live in my spacious apartment ¨C rent free.Usually, I like my own space, but my domestic helpers, along the 50 RMB women down the alley, have provided some solace for me during a difficult time in my life since the split up from my girlfriend in rather dramatic fashion........ She had been pressurizing me into marriage for quite a while until eventually,matters came to hand in the form of a pregnancy. She give me two very clear and simple options :1.Marry her 2.We split up, have the abortion, and pay her 13000RMB
Given these unambiguous choices, I thought long and hard about the consequences of each. Finally, I made a decision ¨C I went on holiday. Unfortunately, life has taught me a harsh lesson. You cannot run away from responsibility. I returned to Zhuhai with an abortion on my hands, and a rather hefty sum off money to payout. Luckily, since my arrival in China, I have become somewhat proficient at bargaining. I managed to lower my severance fee to a more manageable 4000 RMB, plus the costs of the abortion. It finally put an end to a 14 month relationship that started on a bus during my second week in China. She was sitting in the seat infront of mine, as I was studying my English textbooksfor the following day's lesson. Before we had spoken,I had been distracted by the nap of her neck ¨C her wonderful complexion. She turned around to speak to me, to inquire about my stay in China. We exchangednumbers, and before long took part in a courtship thatwas as traditional as any I have ever experienced inmy 31 years.I arrived in China a bit worse for wear. The ShashlikI had eaten at my leaving party in Kyrgyzstan haddisagreed quite adversely with my internal workings. Iwas sitting at the airport, making frequent visits tothe toilet. On one such visit, I received a phone callfrom an erstwhile girlfriend, whom I had to stopseeing once she started extorting money from me. It isthe last time to date that I have spoken to her. Isuppose, even among the extortionists of the world, itis possible to harbor strong emotion to some extent.Her final words were ¡°.......I love you¡±. I feltsomething touch me deep down in side, which I couldn'tquite place, but then I realised that it was much morelikely due to the subsequent bowel movement. My goodKyrgyz friend Kuat works in airport security. Ispotted him, and joined him for a brandy at thedeparture gate. I offered to give him all my smallleft-over change, which he asked me to hand overdiscretely. He returned the favour by letting me jumpthe queue for the airplane ¨C a gesture I was thankfulfor, but a gesture which served no purpose other thanfor me to question the security procedures in place.So anyway, I finally arrived in Zhuhai, via Urumxi inthe North, and Chengdu in Central China. Within acouple of days, I started working at my first school.The noteworthy people that I should mention are anEnglish ex-actor called David ¨C on TV a lot in the70's, an Australian man called Macca, who has left apast which is probably more painful than most peoples'nightmares and has since turned to the bottle, and aCzech women called Jitka ¨C a mamouth of a women withtree-trunks for legs, married to a small diminutiveCanadian man.David had a vendetta towards China from the beginning.When I one day suggested that China did not have apoliceman on every corner, he screamed at me ¡°Are youcrazy!? If I was to stand up right now and sayTiannemen Square was a massacre, you think I wouldstill be in China tomorrow?? You are so na0S7ve!¡±.In the end, I was proved right, when he did just thatand more, in exactly the same venue, in front of allthe school management and approximately 80 Chinese¡°spies¡±. He got off with a warning.Macca's history is sordid and obscure, and it is abook of worms probably not worth even touching thecover. Suffice to say, when he drinks past his limit,he has the tendancy to either cry, or swear profuselyat anyone who has the misfortune of crossing his path.This has led to numerous druggings, beatings, andbeing dragged through the bushes. It probablyculminated at a nationally broadcast concert when heclimbed up on stage and said ¡°F*ck China¡± on liveTV. He mangaged to miraculously avoid a beating thatnight.Now on to Jitka. Where to begin. Well, she startedtaking a liking to me at some point. Given that thiswoman is a rather grotesque object of undesire, Ifound the attention at first unwanted, and then alittle sinister. She started to give me presents ¨C atfirst quite innocent ones, such as chocolates andflowers. Then the presents started to become a littlemore bizarre. Condoms came first, then for Christmas,she gave me a book entitled ¡°The Ultimate Guide toAnal Sex for Women¡±. The gifts didn't cease. One day,she sent me an email saying that there was animportant document hidden inside my desk that shewanted me to sign ASAP. Tentatively, I approached mydesk, released the document from the envelope, andread the title. I had to rub my eyes a couple of timesjust to make sure that I wasn't hallucinating. I feltsure that it said ¡°My last will and testament¡±, butsurely that was out of the question. I opened my eyesagain to examine the document, and it did indeed statethat in the case of her death, all her property andbelongings would be bequeathed to me. These sort ofproblems are not the kind I like to confront head on.Luckily, I had a reprieve. MASS SACKINGS!My principal, a woman of few principles if the truthbe told, had decided to show these over-privilegedwhiteys exactly who was in control. One personresigned, one person did a ¡°midnight run¡±, and inChinese logic, when you become understaffed, thelogical option is to sack the rest of your staff.After seeing four of my colleagues discarded withoutseverance pay, I decided to make a principled stance -I resigned. I finished cancelling all my paperwork andwent on holiday looking for a new start.........Thailand. I can't say that I acted with total moralintegrity during my time here, as that would bestretching the truth slightly. I met a nice Japanesegirl on a trip to the island to the South of Bangkok.During my time on the island, I received an email frommy former school saying something along the lines of -¡°This is a letter of pending libelaction.....yadiyadiyada.....all your money that youare due will be held in escrow (I had to look up thisparticular legal term) until a full retraction ismade....yadiyadiyada........This sort of marred myholiday somewhat, and as a result, that of my Japanesefriend, but it all ended up well. I spent my lastnight in the luxury suite of the 5 star Sofitel hotel¨C a luxury that has not been exceeded in my life todate.I returned to China, tail between my legs. I had beenadvised that the best policy is to curtail one'semotions and kiss ass in these circumstances. However,kissing ass was not really necessary when I eventuallyreturned to the school, after a few brandies for dutchcourage, to collect whatever money was due to me, aseverybody concerned hid from me behind glass windowsand closed doors.By this point, I had found a new job in a start-upschool. It was under construction when I arrived, andI spent the first two or three months killing time andmosquitos. There were four of us, and our manager wasa well-known conman, although the Chinese are not soefficient when it comes to checking references. Theconman didn't last long. Neither did the other twoteachers. After a while, I affirmed my position as thehead teacher ¨C this at a time when my drinking wasspiraling into another dimension, and as I found a newdrug of choice ¨C well a group of drugs if the truthbe told.In praise of Benzos ¨C the good, the bad, the ugly.The good ¨C I alone managed to put up with thebullshit ¨C no mean feat!. The bad ¨C My memory and myintellectual capacity ain't what it used to be. Theugly ¨C numerous lost phones and wallets, and a lostweekend in Hong Kong ¨C maybe Graeme can fill in thedetails, cos I don't know what the fuck went on exceptfor a few smashed glasses, a lost wallet, and a ferrygoing to a destination other than the one I intended.I love my doctors. I have a doctor in every port ¨Ceach one with his own unique brand of happy feel-goodpills.So, I climbed the career ladder, and before I know it,I land the position of Director of Studies. For thoseunaware of teaching, this is a high managementposition in the school. So far, I have sacked oneperson and received two death threats. Not bad foronly 5 months on the job!So, all is well, and all is not well. China is abalancing act. I slide too much in one direction, andI lose everything; if I follow the line, who knowswhat the future holds. One thing I can say for sure ¨Cthere are no certainties in this existence.
Speak soon,Crispin
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